End-of-the-World Fears Result into New Beginnings

It is said that fear makes a human to do something he will not do otherwise. This has been proved correct by the recent happenings around the world following the fearful news that end of the world is getting closer. It is astonishing to see the level of human spirit to face a crisis.

Taking a cue from the best selling book ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, it has come to notice now that NASA had given scientific credibility to the idea long back. As naïve as it might sound, NASA, influenced by the book's theory, had started conceptualizing a plan based on the theory in case the world was about to end. Says one NASA scientist, “Now that world may come to end, we will live to see our dream come true. We will send all the men to Mars and all the women to Venus - didn't we land on Earth from there? Our research shows that due to their natural affinity to planet related characteristics, both men and women will be pulled by laws of attraction into the respective planet, once out of Earth's orbit, making it fuel efficient.Oh, there’s so much of romantic confusion among men and women on Earth!”

It is understood that China has taken advantage of the fear to further its goal of constructing road to Mount Everest for every human being. A Chinese diplomat thinks China has got legitimate reasons to construct the road despite all the opposition from the environmentalists. “If the world indeed is going to end by drowning under the oceans, we will ensure that Chinese will be the last to go down. We will make every Chinese climb the Himalayas to the possible top. (Laughing) China will have the last laugh! We will be together till the end”, he says triumphantly. “Just like Jack and Rose during sinking of the Titanic! They clenched together on the topmost point till their hearts could go on. So let's call this...Mountanic ”, exuberantly remarks a Chinese FM RJ.

Surprisingly, the Home Ministry of India looks very calm at the time of crisis. When contacted, the Ministry spokesperson was very accurate, precise and to-the-point. “We have gone through the events thoroughly. Going by the recent happenings, we have unanimously concluded that there is some ‘human error’ or 'gaffe'. We will wait till further clarifications come. There has to be some human error. Anyways, we are a strong population of over a billion. Isn’t it said that Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day! ” There was an immediate response from a reporter, “Sir, there’s human error in the case you built about Rome!” Came a promt admission from the spokesperson, “Ok, yes, see, this is indeed the period of human error. I wanted to say “India was not destroyed in a day!”

Terrorist organizations such as LeT and Al Qaida are feeling let down by the news of end of the world. On promise of keeping identity secret, an Al Qaida employee spoke to reporters. “We will work hand-in-hand with the whole world to stop this end. It’s a matter of our bread. If there are no Americans, Indians, Europeans, whom will we attack to earn our daily bread!” 

There has been a pleasant surprise for India in all this. It is observed that all of a sudden accounts in many Swiss banks are running dry. Not willing to part with their bourses even during hours of death, the filthy rich goons of India have started withdrawing their money from Swiss accounts.It is heard that young Managers in RBI are working on a 24x7 basis to help get the black money back to India - before the world ends. CBI now feels they have a golden opportunity to bring all the accused of the recent scams such as CWG and 2/3G to justice. The police is calling this spirit as ‘fighting till the finest end’!

MLAs Scale New Height of Depth

If you thought the wealth accumulated with MLAs goes skin deep, think again! When people grow so much with money, there is no end to the depth in their skin. Recent study shows that one in every three MLAs in the five states where election results were declared, is a crorepati. It is good that Adam Smith did not live to see this day; else his world’s heavy-weight champion ‘Wealth of Nations’ would be too heavy to lift, with the additional chapter on MLAs’ accumulation of wealth.

The study finds that the percentage of MLA crorepatis has risen like a phoenix from 12% to 33% since last elections. One MLA was available to justify the difference of this 21%. He says, “I don’t have to be as intellectual as Dr. Subbarao or Dr. Manmohan Singh to tell you. Our country has rapidly grown in GDP with 10% every year for last five years. Now, inflation is 10%. When we add this, we get 20%, which is the difference in percentage!” Misunderstanding the astonishing looks of the reporters, the MLA further exclaimed, in the similar filmy style, “Keep it simple silly!” With lightening speed, there was a response from a reporter, in the same filmy style, “What an idea sirjee!” It is heard that the reporter narrowly escaped a deadly attack that night from the MLA’s party-men.

The study once again raises the age old question of what came first, the chicken or the egg. Perhaps the coming generations will think in a human way: what came first, MLA seat or crorepati status.  Sitting in a kingly room in Assembly, one MLA was philosophical. “You see, there is no end to this. They are just the means to reach an end.” For Bapuji’s dreams, this means it’s the end.

It is rumoured that this steep rise in wealth has left even US politicians flabbergasted. From being part of the American Pie, now they want to be part of the Indian pie. Without going into much details of definition, the Indian political community feels they have achieved the long set vision of reverse brain drain. Says one, “What the great Indian intellectuals could not accomplish in last 60 years, our MLAs have accomplished through public ballot! It’s a victory of democracy!”

In India, top B-Schools are planning to build case study out of this phenomenal report. Students are tired of understanding Indian business from Harvard Business School Case studies and desire some home-made product.

During an event in a top B-School to commemorate 20 years of economic liberation in India, an MLA, when asked by a student on which is better – FII or FDI – replied without hesitation, “It’s FII because we get foreign money and complete control over it!”

These events make the common man wonder if Winston Churchill had said “Never was so much owed by so many to so few”or “Never was so much owned by so few of so many”!

IMF Subprime Crisis

Events of last few days in the International Monetary Fund (IMF) have ignited fears similar to subprime crisis. For IMF, it looks as if it is an internal subprime crisis – with a human touch. However, it looks as if it is more than mere touch. This time, the defaulters are not the Wall Street Banks or notorious investment banks but the IMF Chief himself, Dominique Strauss-Kahn. When the world was just recovering from the shocking fall of various securities from ‘Triple A’ to junk rating, Strauss-Kahn has popped out from nowhere to display similar fall. Was it really from ‘nowhere’? Stieglitz Smith, Chief Economist of the Inclusive Monetary Fund, says, “We have to dig deep. Subprime crisis did not happen all of a sudden. We consciously decided not to maintain track of everyday events. Similarly, this incident was waiting to happen. It once again underlines human indulgence without restraint. Economics is not much different from human behaviour. Humans have forgotten that fantastic depth of economics that Keynes got us used to. Unfortunately, we have to accept now that we have forgotten that fantastic depth of love that Romeo and Juliet got us used to!”

The IMF, working on a war-front basis to avert further crisis, has formed a crisis management committee. It has convened people with experience in the field to find some way out. It is understood that Silvio Berlusconi, David Beckham and Shane Warne have been coerced to consent to be committee members. The committee will be headed by former US President Bill Clinton. Without any surprise, this time, neither Asian nor African countries are demanding inclusion. However, IMF has already pre-empted any possibilities of discontent by saying “We stick to our policy of proportionate representation."

In India, the government has decided to felicitate Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam and AB Vajpayee. One press note released by the government states “We single out our great single leaders for staying committed to nation without any deep personal commitment.” Some glamourous model, who was ready to be in ‘bare minimum’ following India’s World Cup Win, will be the main attraction for the felicitation program, dressed up in typical Indian attire of sari with bindi on forehead. Her professional agent believes that she is capable of performing such versatile roles. “She deeply feels it is time the world understands the great values of Indian culture that bond us together, right from a chief to hotel servant!”, he says.

Researchers in top B-Schools the world over are in a soup. They now have yet another angle to explore in their quest to find why SDRs are not openly traded in financial markets. They feel the ugly events surrounding IMF are in stark contrast with theories proposed by the Beautiful mind.

For Tom Cruise it may be yet another opportunity to win the ever deceiving Oscar. In Mission Impossible 3, he had played the superhero-like role of an IMF secret detective. Do the events of past few days suggest script for Mission Impossible 4?

Euphoria amongst Bollywood Heroes after ‘gaffe’ in India’s Most Wanted

As soon as the news of Indian Government’s ‘gaffe’ on India’s Most Wanted list reached the shores of Bollywood, there was a feeling of euphoria amongst the heroes of Bollywood. Since the time the Government had declared the list, there was noticeable lull amongst the same heroes. They were shocked that none featured amongst India’s Most Wanted. One of them was available for comment, “It is beyond even my filmy imagination – and mind you, it has no limits – why Government is going after gulli  names as Chottas  and Woods when we have biggies like Khiladis, Gurus, Shaktimaans, Veers, Yuvrajs. These great heroes have been inspirational for whole country and the fact that none is India’s Most Wanted is simply unacceptable!”

Therefore, when Government finally accepted that there has been some lapse in the list, Bollywood heroes now feel they have an opportunity to make it to the list. “Why to dwell in all such depressing list of names when there are home grown talent so sought after in the country”, said one of the heroes. Says another, “Even Pakistan has given a credible advice at least for a change – look inside your country instead of looking beyond the boundary. If we heed to their advice it will be a turning page for that campaign...what’s its name (scratching his head)...oh yes, ‘Aman ki asha’!”.

Meanwhile, Pakistan has reiterated their claim of men in Pakistan’s list of Most Wanted to be in India. To this, the Bollywood heroes retorted by saying, “Of course we are most wanted not only for India but for them too! They now have come up clean on this. It’s time to celebrate. I would say the time when we become Hollywood’s Most Wanted is not far now. Our Government should not hesitate a bit to deny Pakistan’s claim. Didn’t Bapuji once say, ‘Eye for an Eye makes the world blind’! Why to trouble Aishwarya Rai to participate in eye-related social work! She already is Most Wanted at Cannes!”

One tennis star, however remains an odd woman out. Because to her, the Most Wanted is indeed in Pakistan. With slight blushing, she candidly tells the reporters, “Mera Ma(a)lik Pakistan mein hai.” Since she is a true Indian naari, there is no doubt in her love. But is it completely reciprocated? If yes, then Pakistan will soon conduct a Grand Slam event to celebrate the love birds.

The Indian Government has found itself in comfort zone after Bollywood has come to the rescue. Riding the wave, the latest Government press release says, “Bollywood is capable of carrying out many Abbotabads if required. Our movies are made beyond the realms of imagination. If needed, we will enlist services of India’s truly Most Wanted, that is, the National Security Guards to catch India’s hiding Most Wanteds”.